Although it is natural, neediness can become an uncomfortable element in a relationship if it is not well controlled. Many couples face problems with it because they don’t fully understand the limits of this desire. Therefore, understand better what affective neediness means and a simple test to know if you have it or not.
What is emotional neediness?
Affective neediness is a state of emotional dependence that is quite severe in people. It is very visible when an individual needs to be with someone in order to feel loved and happy. Basically, it is as if he lacks the autonomy and willpower to be happy with himself.
One of the biggest problems is that this kind of person becomes an emotional black hole in the lives of others. No one is able to give what they are looking for, and the burden of this contact becomes excessively high. Not only this, but the personal problems of this individual also come into play.
Why are we so needy?
The way we receive affection during childhood has a direct impact on the way we give and receive affection. In general, adults with emotional neediness are the result of children who were not properly cared for during childhood. Not only that, but they have also been abandoned or rejected in some way.
The trauma can occur from a true situation or one that was projected by the child as a way to understand the moment. Over-application also contributes to this, as too much care and affection is harmful. This is because over-dependence on parents can feed the idea that the child is not self-sufficient.
Consequently, people begin to condition and link their happiness to the presence of others. One of the biggest problems with this is that the lack of practice in giving love makes it impossible for her to be affectionate in the future. Before she closes herself off emotionally, she needs to take proper care of her pain and understand this dependency in relationships.
Symptoms of neediness
Although it is not a disease so to speak, affective neediness leaves some very visible marks on the people who have it. In a more vulgar way of saying it, it is possible to smell this excessive attachment. Some of the most common symptoms are
Being overly dependent on the other person to be happy
It is as if your existence and happiness cannot exist without another person. Your love is harmful and parasitic so that you can feel happy, holding another person hostage to you. If you have no one, the moment you find someone else, you will suffocate that new entity in whatever way you need.
Not setting standards for the relationship
Unfortunately, the needy person makes no demands when seeking a relationship with another person. For them, anything is fine because it is much better than being alone. In this way, needy people enter into harmful relationships doomed to failure from the very beginning.
Accepting any conditioning in order to stay together
The needy person ends up becoming a conditional and bribable submissive to anything. This kind of response can be very dangerous depending on the type of person they live with and their emotional state. This is because many people give in to extraordinary requests, such as financial help, personal favors, and even exposure and risk of their lives.
Nothing lasts for long, but suffering does
It is necessary to make clear the destructive power that affective neediness triggers within human contacts. Even if this passage seems too fatalistic, those involved in this contact end up becoming internally ill. Over time, both develop scars that hurt every time they start a new relationship.
For the needy, it is difficult to stay in relationships for too long. Partners can’t take the continuous pressure, and he ends up being seen as too much of a burden to carry. In short, it is impossible to maintain the same strength and will to make the other person happy as he or she expects.
Because of this, it is common to see the needy person diving headlong into any chance of a relationship. Some more sensitive people understand the condition of the needy and avoid going deeper than they should.
A very recurrent episode in the relationships of the needy is the excessive demands. Love and attention are not asked for, but they are constantly demanded. It is not rare for the needy person to point at the other person and say that he/she feels unloved.
Lovers are not the only targets of these painful sentimental entreaties. Family and friends also go through a similar situation, being blamed for any uneasiness of the needy.
The same person uses their lack of affection to play the victim and attract the attention of others. If it serves as a parallel, think of a spoiled child who blames others for his attitudes. He is never responsible for what he does, and is an eternal victim.
How to deal with emotional neediness?
Getting rid of emotional neediness may not be easy, but it is an achievable goal with effort. Everything must be done in a sequenced way so that you can get used to the new reality. First of all
Love yourself first
Ask yourself: can I love myself just the way I am, with my defects and virtues? The moment you come to like yourself, understand your limitations and appreciate your qualities, you will be ready to do this for someone else. Before any relationship, learn to nurture your self-love and be happy with yourself before you look for someone else.
Enjoy your company and learn to be alone
“I tried to run away from myself, but everywhere I went, I was” is a common phrase in picture captions. Although it sounds silly, you need to understand that you need a moment with just you to understand yourself.
Find and recognize yourself
Avoid getting attached to someone so that you can show your worth: do this for yourself on your own. Instead of expecting someone to admire you, give yourself gifts, think about your achievements, and praise yourself. Instead of giving everything to someone else, direct that strength to yourself with gestures such as:
- and care.
Final thoughts about emotional neediness
Emotional neediness shows itself as a big emotional wound bleeding through time. As a way to fill the emptiness he carries, the individual takes all the emotional need inside him out on others. The thing is that no one is ever prepared for the avalanche that appears on the horizon.
Instead of wearing yourself out and pressuring the other, invest this time in yourself and in improving yourself. Over time, you will feel positively that you can live well on your own and without dependence. But if you want to add someone to your path, only do it when you feel ready to do so.